Playing with my photo app.. Daddy<3

Photos from my phone of Daddy, me and mama included.

Daddy, may your working hands and body rest <3

Defeat, Lost & Love

"Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time." - Og Mandino

Oh were to start. My life has been upside down but thankfully someone heard I needed a special person to take some pain away cause I am so happy to be back in contact. :) It really does feel great to smile and feel love again! If only..i could have it 24/7

I miss my home, yet there really wasnt anything happy to say about it. I miss trying to make a happy home is more like it.

I miss my freedom. That went away years ago and I just accepted defeat. Thinking I am doing the right thing. I was and I am killing myself. Why should I have took the first one that came after a broken heart. I should have said no. I should have waited. I should have listen to others. But then again. It was a lesson learned the hard way..

I miss my father. I miss our talks, our laughs and everything in between. But I know I have him as a Angel looking down. I know he hated to know when I was down, he helped the best way he could. He always wanted the best for me and told me all the time. I think he wouldn't mind me saying this but sometimes you must move on to do better. I will do my best as a promise to him.

Now with the sad parts
- had to move in with my mom. Which she helps me when I am down and I do love her.. She is just very negative sometimes and says things that hurt me but I take them to heart. I take them with a blank expression that later on brings me to tears.
- money is very tight. But everyone has this happing in todays world.
- cant believe them lowlifes who who broke in and stole all them things out of my storage unit. You have no idea how this gets under my skin. Daddy always told us to "get off our rears and get a job and earn money the decent way. You will have more pride and joy that way."
- I miss Willie. I miss my little protective barking doggie... My lil foot warmer...

and all these losses just makes me enjoy the little things that do make me smile..
I am glad that I have someone to make me smile and feel loved. Its the best feeling ever.
Too bad I can be beside him now. I really need a hug and some loving arms to fall asleep in. :)

Photo of my dad at church on old fashion day. This is such a good one. More to follow later.

story of a girl... edited

Me again.. yet I should be in bed I am up with my heart hurting and my head swimming in thought. nd why ... because sometimes the small things a person can say will hold onto someone and really make them.feel like they are useless. I did not have a good night and haven't had a great morning either. I guess I just try hard at everything I yet some people say that I am not. well have you spoke to me personal about it. no u just take your anger out on me and yet a piece of me keeps dieing. Its driving me crazy I just try my best at everything that I do but I feel lke a big ol disappointment. i feel like sometimes I am just loosing a battle with my brain and my heart. maybe if i was born earlier and in the era that I love so much or heck a bit older I wonder how my life would be so different. Would i have went another path in life. Omy lord where did this kid find the energy to run aroke she does. She has been up all night and running back and forth. I hate it when she gets on her fathers pattern. absoulte sucks.... I hurt. my heart hurts. my brain hurts. Im tired. im exhausted. i am broken.x Used to ... Be happier, in better shape, me. What happen to make me feel that I have no way out that I don't hold any life. Can we get this back to where it use to be... (great song. listening to it now. Chris Daughtry is wonderful.) Well i am gonna go get cleaned up, change my clothes and I guess wait on Chris to hey home. ...

insomnia sucks/ weird sleep pattern sucks!

Well here I am again. And pretty much like the title says.. I have had quite the week. WAY to much stuff is breaking down aund me. really mad at my laptop going up and my stupid self not having a backup flash drive of all my work :( I had so many.pictures and documents from my family tree history that I can't get back its okay all that hard work.just don't seem to work with me.. I am trying to type this on a new phone. Yup even my phone died. and this one.has a smaller keyboard so I am sorry for some typing errors. Least i had a good day today! Got to watch a movie well it was stand comedy with Chris before he went to work. it was really nice to be able to do that. I am thinking about trying to get a part time job closer to me. we just have way to many bills. mostly hospital bills and i hate to see Chris work hard and me i feel like i don't do enough to bring in the household. i do miss working just like i miss school. so bad. Oh yeah i gotta go to mcc and.fix a billing problem :( well i better get some sleep before Natalie wakes me up. i am just too pumped. i did 5 miles on the treadmill before I laid down and my hand is going asleep. Well i will be back. Please be kind everyone. i know that I have heard of so much hate here lately. Listening to Train and Chris Daughtry :) good night.

Too long..

Its been to long since I've got on here. Things have been crazy around here. Still holding on to hope and riding the wave while it last. we were going to go to the beach this weekend but not only does Chris have to work overtime..we just decided to wait. :( but its okay I will get there sometime. miss the beach so much and Natalie enjoined it. Chris likes working at Georgia Pacific. I am just glad he got the job. really helps things around here. Natalie birthday is on the 22. I can't believe she is going to be.four! seems likeyesterday. I remember that hot day in July when I had her. Nothing can make me forget that day... right now after getting up at five this morning she couldn't help it any longer. she fell asleep on me. I am watching a little tv waiting till Chris comes home. we've got to go to the store and go around town. well i will make sure that i try to write more later. peace and love <3

"Alis Volat Propriis"

Had a busy week so far and it looks like tomorrow is going to be the same way..busy. But least its Friday! Chris heard back from Georgia Pacific, just waiting on a job reference to clear and then its good to go. The reference was from my brother and since I didnt know how to get a hold of him nor the company to, I went and saw him yesterday. First time in almost 3 years. It was a sight for sore eyes and I had a great time sitting and talking with him. I just hope that he remember to call/email them today, that job means a lot to us.
I have had more of an emotional week than I want to. I am glad that I have someone who I can talk to when I need to. I just wish I could spend more time with loved ones and have that fuzzy warm feeling more often. Right now for some reason Natalie is feeding me her fruit loops (lol)
I did go fishing with Chris and we both caught a couple, seemed like every time that he used my rod he caught something.. Daddy walked with us once at his house. Was very nice to do that. And I have enjoied the squash  daddy has gave me. I cant wait for the rest of the veggies. :)
I am seriously thinking of getting a tattoo. I know I said I would never get one but I dunno. I more than likely will not get one cause of the cost and i will chicken out. I just feel like that I want too enough the fear of one wouldnt bother me. I have come along way on my fears. but still, i might.

I want to work on my family history some more that its about to drive me crazy. I have the family mottos for both sides :
Lamonds (Daddys side): "Ne parcas nec spernas" - "Neither spare nor dispose"
Latham (Moms side): "Aequanimitate" which translate to: "equanimity" - "evenness of mind under stress," "Be even minded"
That describes both families to the T. Perfect. I love it.

Well, I think that is all for tonight, just a little on edge with the job at Georga Pacific. I hope Jr emails them tomorrow/today. I dont want Chris to loose this job. And my plan for this weekend is to just lay back and spend time with my loved one. And it will be Fathers day too.  <3

"I am going to send an angel in front of you, to guard you on the way and to bring you to the place that I have prepared"  - Exodus 23:20


"she flies by her own wings"

Update.

Just a little update..Things have been crazy here since last time I posted. I can say that I have put some things behind me and I hope that I am over that. I had a good time on Memorial Day spending time with my family. But of course, the next day and for two days after I was sick. Had a nasty stomach bug or something or other. Then as soon as I got better Natalie had to get a bladder infection. She still isn't over it, the fever she had is gone but all she wants to do is sleep now. AND at the wrong time of day. So, needless to say my sleep pattern is screwed up too.
Chris had his interview today that we have been very happy he got called back for. We are hoping that he hears back from them so he can leave Energizer. Still would be third shift, and it would be 12 hour shifts but more money and benefits is what we want/need.
I am looking forward to Bethany's baby shower for Miss Braylee at the end of the month <3!
I am making her something very special :)
Cant believe that my oldest niece is having a baby, now I really feel old. But so excited!
I think later on I might work on my ancestry stuff some more. I wish I didn't have to cancel that account cause I loved doing that. And I learned SO much about my moms family. It has been a real great learning process and just you know me, I love all history and whats better than your roots!
Well needless to say I don't have much more to share and I have a headache and want to have a chocolate fix. I think that I will call it a night and say PEACE!

In this picture this is of the Latham family of Oliver Duckery Latham (my Great great Grandfather) :)
Standing in the back is his 11 children, my grand mother being one of them.
Sitting is Oliver and his wife Susanna.

Flood Warning: Memories

Hello again

I wish I could write about having a great day but that is the opposite of today. It's been a stressful kind of day. A lot of emotions flooding back and forth. Everything from the miscarriage that I had in April, and how I lost a special person and I feel so bad about it. I guess that came up from where someone was watching a show on discovery about Child Births, and no it wasnt me. It was put on and then I started watching..bad mistake. Just made me want to cry. Emotions dealing with when certain songs play on random on my mp3 player that I have been listening too all night sparks memories of someone and places of time makes me very happy but deep down its crushing cause I want them good memories back. Making me again think did I do the right thing? Am I actually thinking of this again?
But then again, with that being said, the angry moments of today between me and someone else really makes me think. I mean, it was a stupid little thing. I simply put two drinks in your lunch bag instead of two water bottles and you had the nerve to yell at me and hang up on me.... seriously. How old are we?
All I could think of is here I am doing the best that I could to make you happy, and heck, yea I made your lunch and packed it for you.Like I do everyday.. even put special things in to make you think of me. Sometimes notes of just "have a great night. <3 you".... But why everyday you must be different and when I forget or mess up you take it all out on me? .. Just makes me think about all them nights where I felt scared and alone. I am telling myself right now, I will not go threw that again. No more blue eyes and tears for me. Thats a promise to myself, and to you. I have been here by your side threw so much and even a delopment. Yes when you came home you wasnt the same person, I totally understand. But atleast I try to not get into that. But the anger is easy for you, and it hurts. It might seem like a stupid fight but to me.. its a stone being throwed right threw my stain glassed heart. Another pane being broken.. how many panes will it take till I am completely broken and useless and my beauty gone. Cause I sure do feel it tonight, such an empty feeling of dispointment.

Looking back and memories of the good times with a certain someone has made me smile, least I can say that for tonight. And it feels good to think about it, just wish it was still in my life...

Well that is all for tonight. Since My little girl is now finally asleep. I think I will do the same.
Good night world.

My Horoscope for Taurus (Says it all)

Trying to be perfect is the biggest waste of time, ever! Not only does it isolate you from other (imperfect) people, it also puts you in a perpetual state of frustration. Today, you need to stop going for the gold medal in everything. Start just learning how to accept yourself the way you are. Acceptance leads to peace, which will lead you to having a much better attitude about your life. Sure, it's true that things could be better -- but they could be a lot worse, too! Get perspective.


>>> I can not even start where this makes me think about what I've thought about today.
It seems like it makes sense. More to come on this later.



<3

Much Needed Words

     Since there is no chance of me going to sleep anytime soon, my daughter thinks its okay to stay up, I shall try to write about a few things that's been on my mind.
     Earlier yesterday, while having a normal conversation with someone who I trust and miss dearly, it dawned on me that maybe (I know she is going to be happy to hear me say) my mother was right. What a mess I have put myself in all these years. All this time, even though they have been some moments that have been great, some that I can say beyond words or happiness and pure joy but I have seen them decline and I am scared again.
I wonder why the happiness comes and goes.. It makes me wonder why I choose this route. Out of all these years, one thing still bothers me. But in short, I try to be the one to change. I tried. It was hard for me to even think about doing the act of what we talked about, but I did. I accepted someone for the way they where and thought that we had a plan to work on it and live with it.
Needless to say, when I stepped out and got my feet wet and really found what was out there in this world thats when the clap of thunder happended and all them sunny days turned to gray. But by this time, I have seen what was out in the world.
This person was my new best friend and we shared lots of talks and memories with each other. And of course, started to fall in love. I knew deep down in my heart that this wasnt right, that why should I be like this, and was this even the right thing to be doing. But after giving the okay from someone that's why I opended this door, thats why I took this stroll, thats why I did what I did.  Now for a year and half this person and I were extermely close. While the other side wasn't what we should be. In one part I was going threw pure joy and the thrill and this natural high that I havent ever felt before. IT was wonderful. But on the other part, it was pure hell. I hate to use that word but it's only one to describe. Im talking about the kind of hell where people could see the pain I endured. But not everyone did. Just a few.
I stayed hidden away from friends, family, even school. I was affraid, and also forced to be like this. The memories I have from this time haunt me. "What have I done?" I kepted wondering and then at times "Well, I was given the okay and now I guess being punished for being me?" It was pure hell. I NEVER want to go threw anything like that again, and I hope no woman has to ever feel what I felt. I will no go into details to the max but it was emotionaly, physically draining and painful.
Now this friend wants to be friends still, and as much as I know I shouldnt let him back in I really want to because he was a great friend. He would listen to me and give me his opinion on what the subject was, he would share a nerdy laugh becaue I knows how much I enjoy them. We had alot in common, Oh and did I state, he is a school teacher. Which I love and fully respect. I hate to say that I feel I need that kind of friendship still. But I havent because I am affraid of what would happen on the other end of my life.
If it was to be known it would start that phase back up, I know it would. I rather not be hurt again and not go threw that pain ever but why should I stay all hidden and deep down in dumps and not trying to be me. Not trying to spread my wings and be all that I can be.  As I have been told many times by this friend and now another person in my life who I deeply trust, "You deserve much better." "Why do you keep staying and making yourself sad? It would be better to detatch and foucs on you! BE YOU!" "Because YOU are a beautful and lovely person, and I hate to see anything bad happen to you." 


These words are playing heavy on my heart tonight. Very.

Good night world. Sleep tight.