Earlier yesterday, while having a normal conversation with someone who I trust and miss dearly, it dawned on me that maybe (I know she is going to be happy to hear me say) my mother was right. What a mess I have put myself in all these years. All this time, even though they have been some moments that have been great, some that I can say beyond words or happiness and pure joy but I have seen them decline and I am scared again.
I wonder why the happiness comes and goes.. It makes me wonder why I choose this route. Out of all these years, one thing still bothers me. But in short, I try to be the one to change. I tried. It was hard for me to even think about doing the act of what we talked about, but I did. I accepted someone for the way they where and thought that we had a plan to work on it and live with it.
Needless to say, when I stepped out and got my feet wet and really found what was out there in this world thats when the clap of thunder happended and all them sunny days turned to gray. But by this time, I have seen what was out in the world.
This person was my new best friend and we shared lots of talks and memories with each other. And of course, started to fall in love. I knew deep down in my heart that this wasnt right, that why should I be like this, and was this even the right thing to be doing. But after giving the okay from someone that's why I opended this door, thats why I took this stroll, thats why I did what I did. Now for a year and half this person and I were extermely close. While the other side wasn't what we should be. In one part I was going threw pure joy and the thrill and this natural high that I havent ever felt before. IT was wonderful. But on the other part, it was pure hell. I hate to use that word but it's only one to describe. Im talking about the kind of hell where people could see the pain I endured. But not everyone did. Just a few.
I stayed hidden away from friends, family, even school. I was affraid, and also forced to be like this. The memories I have from this time haunt me. "What have I done?" I kepted wondering and then at times "Well, I was given the okay and now I guess being punished for being me?" It was pure hell. I NEVER want to go threw anything like that again, and I hope no woman has to ever feel what I felt. I will no go into details to the max but it was emotionaly, physically draining and painful.
Now this friend wants to be friends still, and as much as I know I shouldnt let him back in I really want to because he was a great friend. He would listen to me and give me his opinion on what the subject was, he would share a nerdy laugh becaue I knows how much I enjoy them. We had alot in common, Oh and did I state, he is a school teacher. Which I love and fully respect. I hate to say that I feel I need that kind of friendship still. But I havent because I am affraid of what would happen on the other end of my life.
If it was to be known it would start that phase back up, I know it would. I rather not be hurt again and not go threw that pain ever but why should I stay all hidden and deep down in dumps and not trying to be me. Not trying to spread my wings and be all that I can be. As I have been told many times by this friend and now another person in my life who I deeply trust, "You deserve much better." "Why do you keep staying and making yourself sad? It would be better to detatch and foucs on you! BE YOU!" "Because YOU are a beautful and lovely person, and I hate to see anything bad happen to you."
These words are playing heavy on my heart tonight. Very.
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